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archetTitle: Angels Ain’t Easy
Author: Archet
Pairing: OMC Jody McKinnon/Matt Hawkes
Fandom: High Mountain Rangers
Summary: a story of falling in love, figuring things out and just holding on.
Disclaimer: I did not create the High Mountain Ranger character/s, only this fic and the Original Male Character, Jody McKinnon, and any other original characters in supporting roles. No copyright infringement is intended.
Notes: this fic is set in 1989, approximately a year and a half after the events of the final episode of High Mountain Rangers. There will be no acknowledgment of the events of the spin-off show Jesse Hawkes.
Warnings: none this chapter
Note: this fic takes place a little over four months after Bad Luck, Bad Guys and High Mountain Rangers and is a sequel to that fic, so reading that first is recommended.
Additional: this fic will depict same sex relationships, and dominate/submissive themes. If this ain’t your thing, venture no further.
Summary this chapter: at last, Jonathan speaks, but does he actually say anything real?
***Additional Notes/ramblings at end of chapter***
~*~
Chapter 21: Shifting Sands
Del arrived with their orders, momentarily forestalling further conversation. Carefully placing the food laden plates in front of them, she pulled two folded napkins from her apron pocket and dropped them on the table, then with a wink at Matt moved to the next table. Matt found his mouth practically watering from the delicious aroma wafting up from his plate.
“How about let’s eat first, and talk later? I’m sorta starving,” he offered. As if to drive the point home, his stomach gave a loud growl.
Visibly suppressing a grin, Jonathan nodded. “Sounds good to me,” he agreed, and reaching out, pulled his plate closer.
Satisfied, Matt picked up his fork and tucked into his food. The fluffy scrambled eggs, crispy hash browns and thick slice of ham quickly disappeared. From time to time he shared a glance with Jonathan, who had eaten half his ham and eggs but hadn’t touched his hash browns. Sitting back on his side of the booth, he seemed content to sip his coffee, and watch Matt wolf down his breakfast, a small smile on his lips.
As Matt finished up, for the first time in quite a while, he found himself wondering where Jonathan had been, and what had happened to him. For the most part, Matt had moved on from those wonderings, coming to believe he’d most likely never see the man again. Now that they’d reached a silent stretch in their meeting, Matt had time to reflect, and he studied his former lover.
Jonathan looked much the same as Matt remembered him, but there were little things that stood out. The lines around Jonathan’s eyes were a bit more pronounced now, and his hair, though neatly combed and slicked back, was long enough to curl a bit around his ears, something he’d never tolerated before. He seemed paler, as if he’d spent all his time indoors, shut away from the sun.
Underneath the soft glances and charming smiles, Matt sensed a tension running through the seemingly relaxed countenance. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it. It was a little like looking at a picture that was just a touch out of focus.
Wiping fingers on his napkin, Matt wondered if anything that had passed between them had been real, or if it had been just another illusion. Maybe Jon had always been this way, a handsome, charming storefront concealing who knew what all, underneath. Maybe Matt had just been too taken with his own attraction and emerging desires that he’d just never noticed something was off, until it was too late.
As Matt finished off the last of his coffee, Del glided by, and with a quick smile left a paper ticket on the table. She made a point of sliding the ticket to Jonathan’s side of the table. Before Matt could reach out and grab it, Jonathan plucked it off the table, waving Matt off.
“Please,” Jonathan said, “it’s the least I can do.”
“Sorry about Del,” Matt offered. “She’s protective, but I think she’s going a bit overboard.”
Jonathan shook his head. “No, it’s good that you have people to look out for you.” Reaching back he withdrew a folded leather wallet from his pants pocket, and opening it, fished out a crisp twenty dollar bill, dropping it onto the table.
Putting his wallet away, he added, “That’s an invaluable thing to have, these days.”
Tilting his head, Matt regarded the other man. “And how about you, Jon? Do you have anyone looking out for you these days?”
Meeting his eyes, Matt was struck at how strange it felt, to sit across Jonathan and find him so unfamiliar, and how he wanted to recoil from that finding. Once upon a time he would’ve been drawn to that, the alluring, mysterious air, but now it just felt tiring. He experienced a weird sort of ache inside, because even after everything, he’d always thought their relationship had held such promise, but now he questioned even that. Maybe all of it had been smoke and mirrors and naive assumptions on his part.
“Sure,” Jon said softly. “I have someone. He watches my back, and I watch his.”
Not volunteering anything more, Matt chalked that tidbit up to just another mystery, wondering fleetingly if Jon was referring to his blonde companion from the restaurant, then acknowledged that he didn’t need to know. It wasn’t any of his business. He was done looking for the truth amid the tantalizing flashes of honesty Jon offered up like breadcrumbs leading too… somewhere? Nowhere?
Matt marveled at how different his feelings were for Jody in contrast. With Jody there was rarely any questioning as he seemed as transparent in his motivations as Jonathan was murky. Matt enjoyed the soft, sweet rise of warmth inside him at the thought of his lover, and tipping his face down, busied himself with rearranging his fork on his plate, lest Jonathan notice his blush and misinterpret it.
Seeming to sense their time was drawing to a close Jonathan lifted a hand, garnering Matt’s attention. He gestured outside the window at the sunny morning. “Hey. How about we take a walk? I’d like to get some more of this clean mountain air. It’s been a while.”
Matt wanted to shake his head, less than eager to draw things out. He fumbled for a way to suggest that they just get on with things, without sounding harsh. He wasn’t sure if Jonathan was inviting him to ask why it’d been so long since he’d been in fresh, clean air, or if it was just a throwaway line at making conversation.
I may be overthinking this a bit, he allowed, beginning to feel a little stupid. Maybe not everything Jonathan said held some cloaked clue or hidden motivation. Before Matt could decide one way or another, Jonathan leaned closer over the table.
“Look,” he said with a quick glace around the diner. “I’d rather not go into certain things, in the middle of a crowd like this.”
Matt doubted that anyone would pay them much mind, however, while they’d had their breakfast the diner had filled up quiet a bit. Matt looked into Jonathan’s grey eyes and found himself relenting. It wouldn’t hurt, he supposed.
“Okay,” he agreed. “We can go over the square, it’s just next door.”
The square was a green space the township had set aside for public events, craft fairs, music festivals and the yearly county fair that Ms. Merriweather dominated with her prize pickles. Less an actual ‘square’ it consisted of roughly a city block of rolling green lawn bordered by a screen of oaks and pines, and had become a popular meeting place. The year prior the town had installed a white painted gazebo in its center, and a gravel walking trail around its edges that weaved among the trees and was dotted with the occasional park bench.
Jonathan nodded, and gestured for Matt to precede him out. They both slid from the booth, and navigated their way through the diner’s narrow aisle. Jonathan left the crisp twenty on the table, not bothering to wait to get his change. Matt mused that though Del would appreciate the tip, she probably wouldn’t revise her option of Jon, anytime soon.
Crossing the parking lot, they stepped onto the square’s lawn, lush now in the heart of summer. Matt led Jonathan onto the gravel trail and soon enough they drew even to a park bench sheltering underneath the hem of a stately old oak tree. Feeling overfull from breakfast, Matt sat down on the bench and stretched out his long legs, eyeing Jonathan expectantly.
Taking a seat beside him on the opposite end of the wrought iron bench, Jonathan stretched out his arm alongside the curved back, fingertips almost, but not quite, brushing Matt’s shoulder.
“Let me preface by saying that I never, never intended to get you mixed up in any of my problems.”
Crossing his arms over his chest and resting back against the bench, Matt nodded, settling in to listen.
Taking a breath, Jonathan continued. “Like I said, when I came up here I thought I had things under control, but then the resort deal didn’t go through. I had a couple fall back plans in place for that actual eventuality, but neither of them panned out either.”
Jonathan paused, and tilting his head back, sighed. “Just spectacularly bad fucking timing.”
Turning slightly to face him, Matt felt half a dozen questions spring to mind, but held back. Forecasting that while Jonathan may be willing to offer up some answers, he had a feeling that any actual details where going to be sparse in this little confessional. Still, Matt was willing to hear him out.
“Anyway, that’s when I met you,” Jonathan paused, smiling a little as he looked up to catch Matt’s gaze. “You were not part of the plan, but suddenly I found myself very, very distracted.”
This part of the story Matt knew, at least partly. “I thought you were the biggest asshole,” he admitted, tilting his head and trying not to smile.
“I’m pretty sure it was warranted,” Jonathan said, chuckling. Then he added, “I hope I made up for it later, in some regard.”
The lighthearted moment grew weighted as Jonathan held his gaze. “You were the first good thing I’d touched, in a long, long time, Matt. I’d forgotten what it could feel like. I got greedy.”
Gaze falling away, Matt breathed through the moment. “I don’t know what to say. I guess it feels nice to hear you say that, but I’m not sure what was real and what wasn’t between us, at this point.”
“Plenty was real, baby,” Jonathan said, voice dropping into something more personal. “Please, just remember that. Remember how it was before I fucked everything up, how good we were together. That was real.”
Matt looked up and found that grey gaze fixed on him.
“You do remember, don’t you, Matty? Those nights, fuck,” Jonathan asked, voice rough, leaning in a little with his head tilted down as if sharing a secret. The hand resting at Matt’s shoulder slid closer, smoothing flat against the back of his shoulder, going to rest gently at the nape of his neck.
“I remember,” Matt admitted, unwilling to lie. And he did remember, the heady desire, the excitement of being with a man like Jonathan, of his charm, his patience and confidence. The way Jon had seemed to draw things out of Matt that he’d never really considered before had been intoxicating. It had been a wonderful time, in the beginning.
Now though, Matt frowned as Jonathan’s long fingers curled around him, fingers stroking slowly through the hair at the nape of his neck. Was any of this real? How much was calculated with the goal to get whatever it was Jonathan needed? Did it matter either way?
There was none of the surety here, like he felt with Jody, and he had the urge to recoil from the whole situation, from the warmth of Jon’s touch and head home and get his man’s arms around him.
“I’ll never forget the things you shared with me, how you opened up to me,” Jonathan continued. He smiled, and it seemed so genuine as his gaze dropped to linger on Matt’s mouth. “I’ll never forget you, what you were like. How eager you were to please, fuck, Matty, I lay awake nights, remembering.”
Matt inhaled sharply, an echo of the heat that once lived between them rippling through him, bringing to mind a dozen nights spent in Jonathan’s arms. But, that’s all it was now, just an echo. The potency had faded like a photograph left in the sun too long, muting any vibrancy that once was.
Unfolding his arms, Matt sat up, straightening his back, pulling away from Jonathan’s touch.
“That’s over, Jon,” Matt said, as gently as he could, not even sure if Jonathan needed to hear it, or if he even really cared, but Matt felt better having put the words between them.
For a moment Jonathan sat still, eyes seeming to darken as he searched Matt’s face. Then slowly, he pulled his arm back, his whole body closing up as he straightened his spine, and looked away, the tenuous connection broken. He smiled, then, expression as sharp as a blade.
“Yeah,” he said evenly. “I guess so.”
Matt searched for something more to say, and came up empty. He watched as Jonathan took a quick breath, and then abruptly stood, facing away to look out across the square. His shoulders were a tense line under the cashmere sweater, his arms held down by his sides, fingers curled into his palms. Matt waited him out, and after a moment, Jonathan seemed to relax, the tension giving way to something more settled.
“Anyway,” he said brusquely. “I let myself forget for a minute the mess I was in, and just how much of my employer’s money I’d lost, gambling on those ill conceived deals.”
Lacing his fingers together, Matt leaned forward, resting forearms on his knees. “I had no idea. I just knew you were getting harder to talk to. You never wanted to talk about what was wrong, or about, well, anything. You always shut me out.”
Jonathan nodded. “Don’t you see? I couldn’t tell you. Couldn’t admit how royally I’d screwed up. My pride, I guess. I didn’t want you to see me as a failure.”
“Is that what the hawk is about?” Matt asked evenly, not wanting to sound accusatory.
Jonathan’s brow lifted as his head tilted back without comment.
Matt plowed ahead. “I thought you’d lost your mind, buying that thing.”
Jonathan huffed, casting his gaze skyway for a moment. “If you only knew. I’d gotten it into my mind that I needed to impress you.” He looked back down. “I realized later on, that I would’ve done better to just go skiing with you, you were always so passionate about it, always trying to get me on the slopes.”
Matt smiled a little, remembering Jonathan’s stubborn refusals to go skiing with him, citing broken legs and arms and necks galore. “And you always hated it. I always thought that was funny, you up here trying to build a ski resort, only you hated skiing. But you aren’t wrong. I’m really not that hard to please. I don’t think so, anyway.”
Jonathan nodded, shrugging. “What can I say? I wasn’t thinking clearly.”
“So,” Matt began, frowning as he arranged his thought carefully. “How did you manage to buy that thing, if everything was as bad as you say?”
A pause, and Jonathan’s mouth pressed into flat line. He looked almost sheepish. “I, uh, sorta lied, about that.”
Matt’s brows lifted. “Come again?”
Blowing out a breath Jonathan paced away, then back again, stopping a few steps away. “It was part of Crystal River’s expedition showcase. I just sort of, arranged to use it, kind like a loaner situation.”
“Are you saying I’ve been possession of stolen property?” Matt asked, sitting up, tone sharp.
“No, nothing like that,” Jonathan said quickly, waving Matt’s alarm away. “Eventually, I moved some money around, and I did buy it, on the books so to speak, just… not at first.”
“Right,” Matt said dryly, then decided he didn’t have it in him to be angry.
“Look,” Jonathan said, coming to stand in front of Matt, then moved to kneel down before him. He rested a hand on Matt’s knee. “I know it sounds stupid. I know how dishonest it looks, but believe me, Matty, I was as honest with you as ever I had been with anyone in my life.”
Matt looked into Jonathan’s eyes and it was a bit startling, the naked plea he found there.
“I was as honest with you as I could be, please believe that.”
Finally, Matt nodded, accepting Jonathan’s words. “I believe you,” he said.
Something flickered in Jonathan’s eyes, there and gone before Matt could identify it, and then he was pushing back to his feet to pace slowly in front of the bench.
“The hawk is partly what I’m here, I mean, aside from just letting you know what was going on with me back then.”
Weary of the conversation, Matt reached for his patience, asking, “Just tell me what you need, Jon.”
Seeming to sense their time drawing to a close, Jonathan clapped his hands together and resumed his pacing.
“Right, so I’d gotten in trouble, but for the moment I was ok, was keeping things under control, mostly, but I had to come up with some money to cover some of the losses, or else I was going to have to answer some tough questions.”
He looked at Matt and shrugged. “I was doing some ‘creative bookkeeping’ to keep the game going, let’s say.”
Matt groaned, sitting back. “That sounds highly illegal.”
Predictably, Jonathan breezed past Matt’s comment without acknowledgment. “I took out some loans, only the kind of money I needed, and the tight timetable I was on, meant I couldn’t just trot down to my neighborhood bank. I mean, I needed serious cash.”
“Right,” Matt said evenly.
Doing another turn, Jonathan paced back to Matt’s side. “Let’s just say I found someone to help me out, only with fantastically terrible terms.”
“Jon,” Matt began, running a hand through his hair and rubbing the back of his neck. He was beginning to feel a headache forming.
“No,” Jonathan said, forgoing anything else Matt might have said. “You don’t need to know any of that, or need to worry about it, okay? I’ve worked something out, but I need to come up with some quick cash, first, as sort of a show of good faith, as it were.”
“And this is where the hawk comes in?” Matt asked, a little exasperated, a little annoyed and more than ready to be back with Jody.
With Jody everything just made sense, absent the constant rise and fall of questioning, and plentiful doubt, which Jonathan inspired.
Jonathan snapped his fingers. “You got it. You always were a bright kid.”
Matt rolled his eyes, eliciting a grin from Jonathan. “Oh sure, the brightest,” he retorted, but referring about something else entirely.
Jonathan’s grin softened. “Don’t sweat it, Matty. I’m a pretty good salesman.”
“I’d say so,” Matt blurted, then immediately regretted the snipe as something flashed across Jonathan’s face before it was quickly concealed behind another smile.
“Point to you, Matty,” he conceded. “Look,” and Jonathan’s expression became pinched, brows drawing together. “If you don’t believe anything else, believe this. I had to leave. I didn’t want to leave. If I’d tried to talk to you, you would’ve asked questions I couldn’t answer, and it would’ve just make things worse.”
“I guess I’ve gathered that,” Matt replied quietly, not sure he wanted to hear anymore.
“I had to leave before you got hurt,” Jonathan said, lifting both hands, palms up, a resigned, frustrated gesture. “I created the mess, and then had the arrogance to think I could game the house. It just… didn’t work out like I’d hoped.”
Looking up, Matt neglected to point out that he did get hurt, but instead he gritted out, “You damned well could’ve handled it better, that’s for sure.”
No longer pacing, Jonathan just stood there, looking down. With the sun at his back, and under the shade of the oak, his face was cast in midday shadow. Matt wondered if he’d ever get a glimpse of the whole, authentic Jonathan Silva behind the shifting shade and shadows.
“I know. But you have to understand, I’d called down the heat on my neck, and I was terrified you were about to get caught up in it all. You gotta believe me; it didn’t exactly look good for me getting involved with a ranger. At worst you guys are viewed as actual law enforcement, at best you’re law enforcement adjacent. My employers take a dim view on that sort of thing if it isn’t sanctioned.”
“Then why did you?” Matt wanted to know, annoyed and feeling bad about it, which annoyed him even more. “Why did you get involved?”
Jonathan took a moment in replying, a gentle curve to his lips as he finally said, “Because I wanted you, and I thought I was so fucking smart that I could figure out a way to keep everything, keep you separate from all that somehow.”
Holding Jon’s gaze steady, Matt relented, nodding. Letting the difficult moment breathe, he waited a beat before asking, “And when you say your ‘employer’, you mean the mob, don’t you?”
Jonathan froze, then gave one, sharp nod. “But let’s not talk about that, okay?”
“Sure, Jon,” Matt replied, but felt compelled to add, “but I could help, if you’d let me. I know a lot of good people. People you could trust, get you out of this.”
Jonathan pursed his lips. “Thanks, Matty. Thanks for being you, always, but… it’s a little more complicated than that. And you’re assuming I want out.”
Matt frowned, a wave of confusion passing through him. Before he could comment Jonathan said firmly, “Look, I’m doing this my way. That’s all you need to know.”
Ignoring his instinct to push Jonathan for more felt wrong, but he couldn’t help someone who didn’t want it. Holding up his hands, signaling his retreat, Matt said, “Fine, if that’s the way you want it.”
Returning to his seat on the opposite end of the bench, Jonathan took a quick breath. “Look, I just need to ask for the hawk back, if you even still have it. I have a buyer for it.”
Matt frowned. “You told me you gave thirty-five hundred for it. Can you get that much more? That doesn’t seem like much in the way of helping you out, if I understand the predicament you’re in.”
Jonathan chuckled. “Oh, let’s just say it’s worth a bit more than that.”
Perplexed, Matt shook his head, “But—“
Jonathan cut him off. “Please, Matty. Just don’t ask anymore questions, okay? I just need it, that’s all.”
Matt studied the other man and found him just as much a puzzle as ever. After a moment, Jonathan lifted a hand, and carefully pressed his warm palm against Matt’s cheek, thumb taking a slow, gentle stroke against the line of his cheekbone. Matt stared, searching for a foundation on which he could lay his trust, and then realized he wasn’t obligated to, not anymore.
“Please, Matty.”
“You can have it,” Matt said plainly, and reaching up, eased Jonathan’s hand away, but not ungently. A bolt of alarm sounded through him, and he wasn’t afraid of Jon, or of anything he represented, but it just felt so innately wrong having Jon touch him that way, with that intense, seeking look in his eyes.
Pushing up from the bench, Matt stood, and turning, looked down. “It’s at the cabin. You’re welcome to it.”
Sitting back against the bench, Jonathan tilted his head back, a slight smile on his lips as he just gazed steadily at Matt for a long, drawn out moment.
“I’ll come by and pick it up in a little while,” he said neutrally.
“Okay,” Matt replied. “I think we’ve said all we need to say to each other.”
Jonathan nodded his shifting gaze going unreadable, strangely blank where a moment before it’d been much warmer. “Sure, I mean, if you’re sure, then I’m sure.”
“I’m sure,” Matt said firmly. “Good luck to you, Jon.”
“Thanks. I appreciate it, Matty, I really do,” Jonathan said still with that same fixed, even look.
Matt squared his shoulders. “And Jon? If you ever want to let me in on what’s really going on, if you ever want to get out, you know where to find me. I really do know people that can help.”
A flicker in the blankness, a quicksilver flash of something undefined, and then Jonathan dipped his head in acknowledgement.
“Message received, Matty. You’re the best, always.”
With a short nod, Matt turned and walked away, having already decided that he’d skip his planned trip to the station.
No, he was going home to Jody, where a simple conversation didn’t feel like shifting sand underneath his feet, and soon enough he’d forget the subdued, fading light in Jonathan’s unusual grey eyes.
*****Additional Notes******
I'm posting this on the fly, so not much to report except to say Jon's predictably vague about...most everything, but he'd most surely jump at the chance to get Matt back it he thought he could manage it, even though he's got a few other things to worry about! We'll see what unfolds!
Author: Archet
Pairing: OMC Jody McKinnon/Matt Hawkes
Fandom: High Mountain Rangers
Summary: a story of falling in love, figuring things out and just holding on.
Disclaimer: I did not create the High Mountain Ranger character/s, only this fic and the Original Male Character, Jody McKinnon, and any other original characters in supporting roles. No copyright infringement is intended.
Notes: this fic is set in 1989, approximately a year and a half after the events of the final episode of High Mountain Rangers. There will be no acknowledgment of the events of the spin-off show Jesse Hawkes.
Warnings: none this chapter
Note: this fic takes place a little over four months after Bad Luck, Bad Guys and High Mountain Rangers and is a sequel to that fic, so reading that first is recommended.
Additional: this fic will depict same sex relationships, and dominate/submissive themes. If this ain’t your thing, venture no further.
Summary this chapter: at last, Jonathan speaks, but does he actually say anything real?
***Additional Notes/ramblings at end of chapter***
~*~
Chapter 21: Shifting Sands
Del arrived with their orders, momentarily forestalling further conversation. Carefully placing the food laden plates in front of them, she pulled two folded napkins from her apron pocket and dropped them on the table, then with a wink at Matt moved to the next table. Matt found his mouth practically watering from the delicious aroma wafting up from his plate.
“How about let’s eat first, and talk later? I’m sorta starving,” he offered. As if to drive the point home, his stomach gave a loud growl.
Visibly suppressing a grin, Jonathan nodded. “Sounds good to me,” he agreed, and reaching out, pulled his plate closer.
Satisfied, Matt picked up his fork and tucked into his food. The fluffy scrambled eggs, crispy hash browns and thick slice of ham quickly disappeared. From time to time he shared a glance with Jonathan, who had eaten half his ham and eggs but hadn’t touched his hash browns. Sitting back on his side of the booth, he seemed content to sip his coffee, and watch Matt wolf down his breakfast, a small smile on his lips.
As Matt finished up, for the first time in quite a while, he found himself wondering where Jonathan had been, and what had happened to him. For the most part, Matt had moved on from those wonderings, coming to believe he’d most likely never see the man again. Now that they’d reached a silent stretch in their meeting, Matt had time to reflect, and he studied his former lover.
Jonathan looked much the same as Matt remembered him, but there were little things that stood out. The lines around Jonathan’s eyes were a bit more pronounced now, and his hair, though neatly combed and slicked back, was long enough to curl a bit around his ears, something he’d never tolerated before. He seemed paler, as if he’d spent all his time indoors, shut away from the sun.
Underneath the soft glances and charming smiles, Matt sensed a tension running through the seemingly relaxed countenance. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it. It was a little like looking at a picture that was just a touch out of focus.
Wiping fingers on his napkin, Matt wondered if anything that had passed between them had been real, or if it had been just another illusion. Maybe Jon had always been this way, a handsome, charming storefront concealing who knew what all, underneath. Maybe Matt had just been too taken with his own attraction and emerging desires that he’d just never noticed something was off, until it was too late.
As Matt finished off the last of his coffee, Del glided by, and with a quick smile left a paper ticket on the table. She made a point of sliding the ticket to Jonathan’s side of the table. Before Matt could reach out and grab it, Jonathan plucked it off the table, waving Matt off.
“Please,” Jonathan said, “it’s the least I can do.”
“Sorry about Del,” Matt offered. “She’s protective, but I think she’s going a bit overboard.”
Jonathan shook his head. “No, it’s good that you have people to look out for you.” Reaching back he withdrew a folded leather wallet from his pants pocket, and opening it, fished out a crisp twenty dollar bill, dropping it onto the table.
Putting his wallet away, he added, “That’s an invaluable thing to have, these days.”
Tilting his head, Matt regarded the other man. “And how about you, Jon? Do you have anyone looking out for you these days?”
Meeting his eyes, Matt was struck at how strange it felt, to sit across Jonathan and find him so unfamiliar, and how he wanted to recoil from that finding. Once upon a time he would’ve been drawn to that, the alluring, mysterious air, but now it just felt tiring. He experienced a weird sort of ache inside, because even after everything, he’d always thought their relationship had held such promise, but now he questioned even that. Maybe all of it had been smoke and mirrors and naive assumptions on his part.
“Sure,” Jon said softly. “I have someone. He watches my back, and I watch his.”
Not volunteering anything more, Matt chalked that tidbit up to just another mystery, wondering fleetingly if Jon was referring to his blonde companion from the restaurant, then acknowledged that he didn’t need to know. It wasn’t any of his business. He was done looking for the truth amid the tantalizing flashes of honesty Jon offered up like breadcrumbs leading too… somewhere? Nowhere?
Matt marveled at how different his feelings were for Jody in contrast. With Jody there was rarely any questioning as he seemed as transparent in his motivations as Jonathan was murky. Matt enjoyed the soft, sweet rise of warmth inside him at the thought of his lover, and tipping his face down, busied himself with rearranging his fork on his plate, lest Jonathan notice his blush and misinterpret it.
Seeming to sense their time was drawing to a close Jonathan lifted a hand, garnering Matt’s attention. He gestured outside the window at the sunny morning. “Hey. How about we take a walk? I’d like to get some more of this clean mountain air. It’s been a while.”
Matt wanted to shake his head, less than eager to draw things out. He fumbled for a way to suggest that they just get on with things, without sounding harsh. He wasn’t sure if Jonathan was inviting him to ask why it’d been so long since he’d been in fresh, clean air, or if it was just a throwaway line at making conversation.
I may be overthinking this a bit, he allowed, beginning to feel a little stupid. Maybe not everything Jonathan said held some cloaked clue or hidden motivation. Before Matt could decide one way or another, Jonathan leaned closer over the table.
“Look,” he said with a quick glace around the diner. “I’d rather not go into certain things, in the middle of a crowd like this.”
Matt doubted that anyone would pay them much mind, however, while they’d had their breakfast the diner had filled up quiet a bit. Matt looked into Jonathan’s grey eyes and found himself relenting. It wouldn’t hurt, he supposed.
“Okay,” he agreed. “We can go over the square, it’s just next door.”
The square was a green space the township had set aside for public events, craft fairs, music festivals and the yearly county fair that Ms. Merriweather dominated with her prize pickles. Less an actual ‘square’ it consisted of roughly a city block of rolling green lawn bordered by a screen of oaks and pines, and had become a popular meeting place. The year prior the town had installed a white painted gazebo in its center, and a gravel walking trail around its edges that weaved among the trees and was dotted with the occasional park bench.
Jonathan nodded, and gestured for Matt to precede him out. They both slid from the booth, and navigated their way through the diner’s narrow aisle. Jonathan left the crisp twenty on the table, not bothering to wait to get his change. Matt mused that though Del would appreciate the tip, she probably wouldn’t revise her option of Jon, anytime soon.
Crossing the parking lot, they stepped onto the square’s lawn, lush now in the heart of summer. Matt led Jonathan onto the gravel trail and soon enough they drew even to a park bench sheltering underneath the hem of a stately old oak tree. Feeling overfull from breakfast, Matt sat down on the bench and stretched out his long legs, eyeing Jonathan expectantly.
Taking a seat beside him on the opposite end of the wrought iron bench, Jonathan stretched out his arm alongside the curved back, fingertips almost, but not quite, brushing Matt’s shoulder.
“Let me preface by saying that I never, never intended to get you mixed up in any of my problems.”
Crossing his arms over his chest and resting back against the bench, Matt nodded, settling in to listen.
Taking a breath, Jonathan continued. “Like I said, when I came up here I thought I had things under control, but then the resort deal didn’t go through. I had a couple fall back plans in place for that actual eventuality, but neither of them panned out either.”
Jonathan paused, and tilting his head back, sighed. “Just spectacularly bad fucking timing.”
Turning slightly to face him, Matt felt half a dozen questions spring to mind, but held back. Forecasting that while Jonathan may be willing to offer up some answers, he had a feeling that any actual details where going to be sparse in this little confessional. Still, Matt was willing to hear him out.
“Anyway, that’s when I met you,” Jonathan paused, smiling a little as he looked up to catch Matt’s gaze. “You were not part of the plan, but suddenly I found myself very, very distracted.”
This part of the story Matt knew, at least partly. “I thought you were the biggest asshole,” he admitted, tilting his head and trying not to smile.
“I’m pretty sure it was warranted,” Jonathan said, chuckling. Then he added, “I hope I made up for it later, in some regard.”
The lighthearted moment grew weighted as Jonathan held his gaze. “You were the first good thing I’d touched, in a long, long time, Matt. I’d forgotten what it could feel like. I got greedy.”
Gaze falling away, Matt breathed through the moment. “I don’t know what to say. I guess it feels nice to hear you say that, but I’m not sure what was real and what wasn’t between us, at this point.”
“Plenty was real, baby,” Jonathan said, voice dropping into something more personal. “Please, just remember that. Remember how it was before I fucked everything up, how good we were together. That was real.”
Matt looked up and found that grey gaze fixed on him.
“You do remember, don’t you, Matty? Those nights, fuck,” Jonathan asked, voice rough, leaning in a little with his head tilted down as if sharing a secret. The hand resting at Matt’s shoulder slid closer, smoothing flat against the back of his shoulder, going to rest gently at the nape of his neck.
“I remember,” Matt admitted, unwilling to lie. And he did remember, the heady desire, the excitement of being with a man like Jonathan, of his charm, his patience and confidence. The way Jon had seemed to draw things out of Matt that he’d never really considered before had been intoxicating. It had been a wonderful time, in the beginning.
Now though, Matt frowned as Jonathan’s long fingers curled around him, fingers stroking slowly through the hair at the nape of his neck. Was any of this real? How much was calculated with the goal to get whatever it was Jonathan needed? Did it matter either way?
There was none of the surety here, like he felt with Jody, and he had the urge to recoil from the whole situation, from the warmth of Jon’s touch and head home and get his man’s arms around him.
“I’ll never forget the things you shared with me, how you opened up to me,” Jonathan continued. He smiled, and it seemed so genuine as his gaze dropped to linger on Matt’s mouth. “I’ll never forget you, what you were like. How eager you were to please, fuck, Matty, I lay awake nights, remembering.”
Matt inhaled sharply, an echo of the heat that once lived between them rippling through him, bringing to mind a dozen nights spent in Jonathan’s arms. But, that’s all it was now, just an echo. The potency had faded like a photograph left in the sun too long, muting any vibrancy that once was.
Unfolding his arms, Matt sat up, straightening his back, pulling away from Jonathan’s touch.
“That’s over, Jon,” Matt said, as gently as he could, not even sure if Jonathan needed to hear it, or if he even really cared, but Matt felt better having put the words between them.
For a moment Jonathan sat still, eyes seeming to darken as he searched Matt’s face. Then slowly, he pulled his arm back, his whole body closing up as he straightened his spine, and looked away, the tenuous connection broken. He smiled, then, expression as sharp as a blade.
“Yeah,” he said evenly. “I guess so.”
Matt searched for something more to say, and came up empty. He watched as Jonathan took a quick breath, and then abruptly stood, facing away to look out across the square. His shoulders were a tense line under the cashmere sweater, his arms held down by his sides, fingers curled into his palms. Matt waited him out, and after a moment, Jonathan seemed to relax, the tension giving way to something more settled.
“Anyway,” he said brusquely. “I let myself forget for a minute the mess I was in, and just how much of my employer’s money I’d lost, gambling on those ill conceived deals.”
Lacing his fingers together, Matt leaned forward, resting forearms on his knees. “I had no idea. I just knew you were getting harder to talk to. You never wanted to talk about what was wrong, or about, well, anything. You always shut me out.”
Jonathan nodded. “Don’t you see? I couldn’t tell you. Couldn’t admit how royally I’d screwed up. My pride, I guess. I didn’t want you to see me as a failure.”
“Is that what the hawk is about?” Matt asked evenly, not wanting to sound accusatory.
Jonathan’s brow lifted as his head tilted back without comment.
Matt plowed ahead. “I thought you’d lost your mind, buying that thing.”
Jonathan huffed, casting his gaze skyway for a moment. “If you only knew. I’d gotten it into my mind that I needed to impress you.” He looked back down. “I realized later on, that I would’ve done better to just go skiing with you, you were always so passionate about it, always trying to get me on the slopes.”
Matt smiled a little, remembering Jonathan’s stubborn refusals to go skiing with him, citing broken legs and arms and necks galore. “And you always hated it. I always thought that was funny, you up here trying to build a ski resort, only you hated skiing. But you aren’t wrong. I’m really not that hard to please. I don’t think so, anyway.”
Jonathan nodded, shrugging. “What can I say? I wasn’t thinking clearly.”
“So,” Matt began, frowning as he arranged his thought carefully. “How did you manage to buy that thing, if everything was as bad as you say?”
A pause, and Jonathan’s mouth pressed into flat line. He looked almost sheepish. “I, uh, sorta lied, about that.”
Matt’s brows lifted. “Come again?”
Blowing out a breath Jonathan paced away, then back again, stopping a few steps away. “It was part of Crystal River’s expedition showcase. I just sort of, arranged to use it, kind like a loaner situation.”
“Are you saying I’ve been possession of stolen property?” Matt asked, sitting up, tone sharp.
“No, nothing like that,” Jonathan said quickly, waving Matt’s alarm away. “Eventually, I moved some money around, and I did buy it, on the books so to speak, just… not at first.”
“Right,” Matt said dryly, then decided he didn’t have it in him to be angry.
“Look,” Jonathan said, coming to stand in front of Matt, then moved to kneel down before him. He rested a hand on Matt’s knee. “I know it sounds stupid. I know how dishonest it looks, but believe me, Matty, I was as honest with you as ever I had been with anyone in my life.”
Matt looked into Jonathan’s eyes and it was a bit startling, the naked plea he found there.
“I was as honest with you as I could be, please believe that.”
Finally, Matt nodded, accepting Jonathan’s words. “I believe you,” he said.
Something flickered in Jonathan’s eyes, there and gone before Matt could identify it, and then he was pushing back to his feet to pace slowly in front of the bench.
“The hawk is partly what I’m here, I mean, aside from just letting you know what was going on with me back then.”
Weary of the conversation, Matt reached for his patience, asking, “Just tell me what you need, Jon.”
Seeming to sense their time drawing to a close, Jonathan clapped his hands together and resumed his pacing.
“Right, so I’d gotten in trouble, but for the moment I was ok, was keeping things under control, mostly, but I had to come up with some money to cover some of the losses, or else I was going to have to answer some tough questions.”
He looked at Matt and shrugged. “I was doing some ‘creative bookkeeping’ to keep the game going, let’s say.”
Matt groaned, sitting back. “That sounds highly illegal.”
Predictably, Jonathan breezed past Matt’s comment without acknowledgment. “I took out some loans, only the kind of money I needed, and the tight timetable I was on, meant I couldn’t just trot down to my neighborhood bank. I mean, I needed serious cash.”
“Right,” Matt said evenly.
Doing another turn, Jonathan paced back to Matt’s side. “Let’s just say I found someone to help me out, only with fantastically terrible terms.”
“Jon,” Matt began, running a hand through his hair and rubbing the back of his neck. He was beginning to feel a headache forming.
“No,” Jonathan said, forgoing anything else Matt might have said. “You don’t need to know any of that, or need to worry about it, okay? I’ve worked something out, but I need to come up with some quick cash, first, as sort of a show of good faith, as it were.”
“And this is where the hawk comes in?” Matt asked, a little exasperated, a little annoyed and more than ready to be back with Jody.
With Jody everything just made sense, absent the constant rise and fall of questioning, and plentiful doubt, which Jonathan inspired.
Jonathan snapped his fingers. “You got it. You always were a bright kid.”
Matt rolled his eyes, eliciting a grin from Jonathan. “Oh sure, the brightest,” he retorted, but referring about something else entirely.
Jonathan’s grin softened. “Don’t sweat it, Matty. I’m a pretty good salesman.”
“I’d say so,” Matt blurted, then immediately regretted the snipe as something flashed across Jonathan’s face before it was quickly concealed behind another smile.
“Point to you, Matty,” he conceded. “Look,” and Jonathan’s expression became pinched, brows drawing together. “If you don’t believe anything else, believe this. I had to leave. I didn’t want to leave. If I’d tried to talk to you, you would’ve asked questions I couldn’t answer, and it would’ve just make things worse.”
“I guess I’ve gathered that,” Matt replied quietly, not sure he wanted to hear anymore.
“I had to leave before you got hurt,” Jonathan said, lifting both hands, palms up, a resigned, frustrated gesture. “I created the mess, and then had the arrogance to think I could game the house. It just… didn’t work out like I’d hoped.”
Looking up, Matt neglected to point out that he did get hurt, but instead he gritted out, “You damned well could’ve handled it better, that’s for sure.”
No longer pacing, Jonathan just stood there, looking down. With the sun at his back, and under the shade of the oak, his face was cast in midday shadow. Matt wondered if he’d ever get a glimpse of the whole, authentic Jonathan Silva behind the shifting shade and shadows.
“I know. But you have to understand, I’d called down the heat on my neck, and I was terrified you were about to get caught up in it all. You gotta believe me; it didn’t exactly look good for me getting involved with a ranger. At worst you guys are viewed as actual law enforcement, at best you’re law enforcement adjacent. My employers take a dim view on that sort of thing if it isn’t sanctioned.”
“Then why did you?” Matt wanted to know, annoyed and feeling bad about it, which annoyed him even more. “Why did you get involved?”
Jonathan took a moment in replying, a gentle curve to his lips as he finally said, “Because I wanted you, and I thought I was so fucking smart that I could figure out a way to keep everything, keep you separate from all that somehow.”
Holding Jon’s gaze steady, Matt relented, nodding. Letting the difficult moment breathe, he waited a beat before asking, “And when you say your ‘employer’, you mean the mob, don’t you?”
Jonathan froze, then gave one, sharp nod. “But let’s not talk about that, okay?”
“Sure, Jon,” Matt replied, but felt compelled to add, “but I could help, if you’d let me. I know a lot of good people. People you could trust, get you out of this.”
Jonathan pursed his lips. “Thanks, Matty. Thanks for being you, always, but… it’s a little more complicated than that. And you’re assuming I want out.”
Matt frowned, a wave of confusion passing through him. Before he could comment Jonathan said firmly, “Look, I’m doing this my way. That’s all you need to know.”
Ignoring his instinct to push Jonathan for more felt wrong, but he couldn’t help someone who didn’t want it. Holding up his hands, signaling his retreat, Matt said, “Fine, if that’s the way you want it.”
Returning to his seat on the opposite end of the bench, Jonathan took a quick breath. “Look, I just need to ask for the hawk back, if you even still have it. I have a buyer for it.”
Matt frowned. “You told me you gave thirty-five hundred for it. Can you get that much more? That doesn’t seem like much in the way of helping you out, if I understand the predicament you’re in.”
Jonathan chuckled. “Oh, let’s just say it’s worth a bit more than that.”
Perplexed, Matt shook his head, “But—“
Jonathan cut him off. “Please, Matty. Just don’t ask anymore questions, okay? I just need it, that’s all.”
Matt studied the other man and found him just as much a puzzle as ever. After a moment, Jonathan lifted a hand, and carefully pressed his warm palm against Matt’s cheek, thumb taking a slow, gentle stroke against the line of his cheekbone. Matt stared, searching for a foundation on which he could lay his trust, and then realized he wasn’t obligated to, not anymore.
“Please, Matty.”
“You can have it,” Matt said plainly, and reaching up, eased Jonathan’s hand away, but not ungently. A bolt of alarm sounded through him, and he wasn’t afraid of Jon, or of anything he represented, but it just felt so innately wrong having Jon touch him that way, with that intense, seeking look in his eyes.
Pushing up from the bench, Matt stood, and turning, looked down. “It’s at the cabin. You’re welcome to it.”
Sitting back against the bench, Jonathan tilted his head back, a slight smile on his lips as he just gazed steadily at Matt for a long, drawn out moment.
“I’ll come by and pick it up in a little while,” he said neutrally.
“Okay,” Matt replied. “I think we’ve said all we need to say to each other.”
Jonathan nodded his shifting gaze going unreadable, strangely blank where a moment before it’d been much warmer. “Sure, I mean, if you’re sure, then I’m sure.”
“I’m sure,” Matt said firmly. “Good luck to you, Jon.”
“Thanks. I appreciate it, Matty, I really do,” Jonathan said still with that same fixed, even look.
Matt squared his shoulders. “And Jon? If you ever want to let me in on what’s really going on, if you ever want to get out, you know where to find me. I really do know people that can help.”
A flicker in the blankness, a quicksilver flash of something undefined, and then Jonathan dipped his head in acknowledgement.
“Message received, Matty. You’re the best, always.”
With a short nod, Matt turned and walked away, having already decided that he’d skip his planned trip to the station.
No, he was going home to Jody, where a simple conversation didn’t feel like shifting sand underneath his feet, and soon enough he’d forget the subdued, fading light in Jonathan’s unusual grey eyes.
*****Additional Notes******
I'm posting this on the fly, so not much to report except to say Jon's predictably vague about...most everything, but he'd most surely jump at the chance to get Matt back it he thought he could manage it, even though he's got a few other things to worry about! We'll see what unfolds!
