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FIC UPDATE: Angels Ain't Easy Chapter 19: (Déjà vu Ain’t a Love Song)
Title: Angels Ain’t Easy
Author: Archet
Pairing: OMC Jody McKinnon/Matt Hawkes
Fandom: High Mountain Rangers
Summary: a story of falling in love, figuring things out and just holding on.
Disclaimer: I did not create the High Mountain Ranger character/s, only this fic and the Original Male Character, Jody McKinnon, and any other original characters in supporting roles. No copyright infringement is intended.
Notes: this fic is set in 1989, approximately a year and a half after the events of the final episode of High Mountain Rangers. There will be no acknowledgment of the events of the spin-off show Jesse Hawkes.
Warnings: none this chapter
Note: this fic takes place a little over four months after Bad Luck, Bad Guys and High Mountain Rangers and is a sequel to that fic, so reading that first is recommended.
Additional: this fic will depict same sex relationships, and dominate/submissive themes. If this ain’t your thing, venture no further.
Summary this chapter: Matt has a date, only it's not with Jody, and Jonathan finally shows up.
***Additional Notes/ramblings at end of chapter***
~*~
Chapter 19: Déjà vu Ain’t a Love Song
Grabbing his wallet from the kitchen table, Matt stuffed it into his back pocket as he hurriedly tucked the tail of his oxford button down shirt in under the waistband of his jeans. He’d haphazardly rolled the sleeves up his forearms and one kept slipping back down. Annoyed, he pushed it back up and glanced at the clock hanging on the wall in the kitchen. He was already ten minutes late, and was going to be even later, it seemed, as he had no memory of where he’d left his car keys. Cursing, he rooted around in the wicker fruit bowl on the kitchen table on a hunch, crowing with success at discovering the set of keys on their metal ring sandwiched between an apple and a pair of his old climbing gloves.
Stepping into the living room, he paused before the couch, gesturing to himself with a lopsided grin. “How’s this?”
Sprawled out barefoot on the couch in a pair of well-worn grey sweat pants, and a black and yellow Gold’s Gym t-shirt that clung to his chest like it was spray painted on, Jody looked up from the TV Guide he was pursuing. Matt watched as his lover’s gaze traveled up and down his form, pausing briefly at the shirt lying unbuttoned at this throat. He’d left the top three buttons undone. The TV Guide was put aside.
“Very nice,” Jody replied evenly, and with a beckoning wave of his hand said, “Come here.”
Curious, pocketing his keys Matt walked over and knelt by the couch. Jody’s dark eyes held his for a moment before he reached out and grasped the open edges of his shirt. Heart rate kicking up a notch, as it seemed to do anytime Jody touched him, Matt thought for a moment that he wouldn’t be meeting Jonathan after all. He was a little surprised, then, when Jody worked the pearly buttons of his shirt, closing the garment up until only the topmost button was left unfastened. Once done, he tilted his head, regarding Matt steadily.
“So, before you ask, I haven’t forgotten what I said, but you have standing in this community, and I won’t have you running around showing off my marks on you for half the town to start gossiping about.”
Squaring his shoulders, Matt suppressed a smile as rich, quick warmth spread throughout his chest, squeezing strangely around his heart.
“Thanks, babe,” he said simply. He left unspoken that half the town was probably already gossiping about them. Jody was a hard man to miss, and while they were not overly demonstrative in public, neither did they hide their relationship.
Brows lowering, Jody studied him, then with a rather resigned expression said, “You were going to button it up when you left the house, weren’t you?”
Chuckling, Matt leaned his forearms against the couch, bringing their faces close together.
“Well, you told me to wear an open collared shirt, you didn’t say anything about me not being able to button it up.”
Jody scowled, though the amused light in his eyes softened his expression. “Nice distinction. I’ll have to remember to be more specific, next time.”
The tantalizing next time returned the grin to Matt’s face. “Looking forward to it.”
Jody shook his head, smile bowing up his lips as the playfulness danced between them, and then Matt grinned again as a big hand wrapped around the nape of his neck, pulling him down. Warmth and pleasure curling through him, he hummed contentedly, leaning into the kiss, into the power that seemed to flow into him from the joining of their mouths. It was a feeling Matt didn’t quite have the vocabulary to explain; the way Jody so effortlessly made him feel exhilarated and powerful, safe and small all in the same moment. Jody held him tight, deepening the kiss with lush, forceful strokes of his tongue until he, at last, had to pull back to let them both take a breath.
Matt shivered, smiling a little helplessly as the heat of desire filled him, as even now he found himself dazed at how easy it was to lose himself in Jody, in the man’s allure and affection. With a dip of his head Jody nuzzled against him, kissing his neck, small, sweet brushes of his lips and lazy laps of his tongue that only strengthened the pleasure flooding Matt. He let his eyes fall closed, twining fingers into Jody’s wavy, dark hair and tilted his head aside, revealing more of his throat. He shivered again as a warm breath fanned over his sensitized skin. Jody growled, laying down a new row of biting kisses that had Matt’s hips bucking a little against the edge of the couch. The scrape of teeth against him pulled forth a moan.
“Ah, Jo, fuck,” Matt rasped, and the sensation of Jody gently rubbing his coarse beard against the tender, bitten side of his throat was starting a fire inside him. That’s how he felt, on fire, hot, held in his lion’s hands.
“Fuck, babe,” he breathed again, willing to let himself be engulfed fully, and happy to forget his scheduled meeting with Jonathan.
A second later Matt’s eyes snapped open as Jody abruptly pulled away.
“Hey,” he complained, wanting a return to the heat of Jody’s mouth upon him, and was treated instead to the sight of mirth warming rich brown eyes as Jody lay back against the couch cushions, nonchalantly reaching for the forgotten TV Guide.
“What? We can’t get into anything now,” Jody said, lips twitching. “You’ve got a date to get to. And you’re late, at that.”
Frowning, his mounting, smoldering mood diffusing, Matt huffed. “Right. Thanks ever so much for reminding me.”
Taking a moment to smooth out his shirt, he licked his lips, savoring the echo of heat there, and pushed up to stand. He glowered down at Jody as he reached down and adjusted his hardening cock inside his jeans. Jody watched him, plainly amused, and made no effort to address his own burgeoning erection poorly concealed by the thin fabric of his sweat pants.
“And it is not a date for Christ’s sakes,” Matt reminded him, wincing only a little at how petulant he sounded.
Shrugging, Jody looked up at him. “Wasn’t my idea, baby.”
Good mood cooling further, Matt sighed. “I know, I know.” Fishing his keys out of his pocket, he took another breath as the pleasurable heat Jody had started in him calmed.
“Find us a good movie for later, all right?”
Jody gave him a short nod, and seeing that there’d be no more offer of kisses, Matt shook his head and turned for the door.
“Angel?”
Pivoting, one hand on the front door’s handle, Matt looked over his shoulder. Jody had pushed up from his sprawl to balance on one elbow. The TV Guide lay open on the couch at his side, and his eyes were serious.
“I meant what I said. I know Bear Valley is pretty laid back, and I know we haven’t really talked about it, and I guess we should, but I do want you to know that I understand your place here. That I’m aware, and if you ever feel like I’m putting you in an unfair position I want you to talk to me, because I don’t want that for you.”
Again, that curious squeezing activated around his heart, and Matt nodded. “Thanks, babe. You’re right, things are pretty good here. I mean, we have our share of assholes, but I suppose like you said, we should talk about it since we’re together now.”
The way Jody’s eyes seemed to darken, just then, nearly had Matt striding back across the room and sliding back into his lover’s arms.
“You have a good visit, then come on back home,” Jody said into the space between them, and though on the surface he seemed relaxed and unconcerned, Matt could read the tension in the lines of his long body laid out on the couch, in the little crease between his brows.
“I will,” he promised, then tossed back a grin before turning and pulling open the door.
Matt was halfway out when Jody called after him. “Be careful.”
Sticking his head back in the doorway, Matt pulled a face. “I’m always careful, babe.” Then before Jody could roll his eyes at him, he slipped out.
Pulling the door shut behind him, he hopped down the couple steps from the porch and loped around the corner of the house to the shed where his Jeep was parked. Pulling open the door and sliding inside, he snapped his seatbelt in place and checked his watch. He was already fifteen minutes late.
“Shit.”
It’d always annoyed Jonathan when he’d ran late, which due to the demands of his job, he often had. How many times had he done this, been running late and rushing to go meet up with Jonathan when they were together? Hit with a weird sense of déjà vu, Matt shook his head at himself and slotted the key into the Jeep’s ignition.
Firing up the engine, he backed out of the shed, turned onto the graveled drive and traveled the short distance to the highway. From there he pointed the Jeep in the direction of Bear Valley. Cruising along for couple minutes he turned onto the wider, more substantial road that would lead him directly to the picturesque mountain town, and pressed down on the gas. Morning sunshine glinted off the windshield and he drummed his fingers on the wheel. He rolled his window halfway down and enjoyed the smell of pine and sweet, fresh air. There were puddles of water on the road, silvery, flat pools mirroring the bright blue sky, and as he splashed through them he found himself grinning at the realization it’d rained during the night and he hadn’t noticed.
Of course he hadn’t, his man had kept him thoroughly, wonderfully occupied all night long.
My lion, he thought, and the memory of Jody using his powerful body to curl around him, to push inside him, loving him, warmed his face and sent heat tingling along his skin. He eased off the gas, relaxing back into his seat. Why was he in such a hurry? If he was late, then he was late. Jonathan would just have to cope.
By the time he wheeled into Cherry’s parking lot, he was close to twenty-five minutes late. Sliding out of the Jeep he pocketed his keys and scanned the lot, wondering what Jonathan was driving these days. Striding across the half filled lot, he mounted the steps to the diner’s entrance and pulled open the door. A bell tied to the metal door handle jingled merrily.
“Well, it’s nice to see that some things never change.”
Stopping short, Matt took a moment before turning toward the voice. With an easy move, he reached up and popped open the second button of his shirt and immediately felt somewhat juvenile, but he left the button open all the same. Swinging around, he found Jonathan waiting for him, planted casually on one of the red cushioned stools at the counter. One elbow resting on the countertop, head tilted as he studied Matt, his peculiar grey eyes seemed amused, and unsurprised.
“No one is holding you here,” Matt found himself saying evenly, an edge built into his words if not his tone.
It was strictly the truth, applying both to their past and their present, though now it seemed, Jonathan was the one left hanging, and not the other way around.
Never one to begrudge a good opening line, Jonathan smiled back, inclining his head slightly.
“Touché,” he said lightly, slipping off his stool.
Wearing a pair of dark wash jeans, toffee colored Ralph Lauren Polo knit sweater, and a pair of tasseled, brown leather Dockers, Jonathan offered a rather low key presentation if you over looked that the sweater was cashmere and that the watch he wore, peeking out from the hem of his sleeve, had Gucci stamped in gold lettering over its onyx face. Arriving in his hurriedly donned and most likely wrinkled-being distracted he hadn’t really noticed-oxford, old jeans and worn Reebok high-tops Matt felt weirdly under dressed.
Taking a step closer, Jonathan regarded him openly. “It’s good to see you again, Matthew.”
Not altogether sure he felt the same, Matt nodded anyway and said, “You too, Jon.”
A beat of silence passed between them, heavy with all the baggage waiting to be unpacked.
“Good morning, Ranger Hawkes,” Del said, a sudden presence at Matt’s elbow. With her dark pulled back into a bun and sparkling blue eyes, she favored Matt with her trademark smile.
Matt smiled back. “Morning, Del. My usual table available?”
She gave him an exaggeratedly affronted look. “You know it is, honey. Now, if you… and your guest, will just follow me.”
Jonathan’s brow rose at the rather icy look Del bestowed upon him before turning and leading them to the table tucked under the window at the end of the diner, near the jukebox. Matt just waved him forward, resolving that there was no fucking way he was going to divulge that, for some weeks after Jonathan had run out on him, he’d essentially lived off Tim’s soup and the food at Cherry’s, unwilling to expend the energy to shop for groceries and cook for himself at home. Tim hadn’t been the only one to see Matt at his worst, and though by that time he’d become a functional human, he’d hated the idea of cooking meals in his own home for no one but himself.
A menu was tossed down in front of Jonathan as he slid into one side of the booth. He pressed his lips together and carefully took the laminated menu, and began to study it. Del favored Matt with another sunny smile.
“The usual, hun?”
Matt nodded, warming up to the idea of a plate full of Cherry’s breakfast special. He hadn’t realized how hungry he was. It’d been some time since he’d taken breakfast at the diner, Jody liking to cook for them at home more times than not with Matt taking a turn here and there.
“I’ll be right around with your coffee,” Del said. With a slight pause, she turned to Jonathan. “And you?”
Brows going up at the rather flat, uninterested address, Jonathan gently laid the menu aside and folded his hands on the table. “Yes, ma’am. I’d like the same. Please, if I may.”
Del offered him an abbreviated nod. Reaching out she hooked the ends of her long, red lacquered nails along the raised edge of Jonathan’s menu and pulled it across the table to her. Matt hid a smile and studied the little crease between her eyes that told him she was displeased.
“Thank you, Del. You’re the best,” he said, looking up into her face.
Countenance softening, Del tilted her head at him and took his menu. With another wink, she turned and walked away, calling out to the cook working at the grill in the open kitchen behind the counter.
“Two sunny days, Chaz. On the double!”
Matt chuckled in her wake, and turning back to the table found Jonathan watching him, not smiling, but with an expression on his face that seemed somehow naked, as if Jonathan had forgot to uphold his typical charming screen that he often used, inserting it between himself and the world at large.
“It really is good to see you again, Matty,” Jonathan offered quietly.
Not sure what it was that he was seeing on Jon’s face, sadness, regret, or something else altogether, Matt shrugged. In his spot by the window, with his neatly combed black hair coming to just past his ears and pale eyes, he looked remarkably handsome and mysterious against the homey backdrop of the sunny diner. Matt shook off the sense of familiarity that invaded him.
Jonathan had been a mystery in many ways, and early on in their dating Matt had found that intriguing, exciting even.
Later, he’d found it simply exasperating.
Shaking off his wandering thoughts, Matt replied, “Well, I’m not hard to find.”
Jonathan huffed a laugh. “That is the truth. Still perched up here on your mountain, I see.”
Matt sat back in his seat. “It’s home,” he said simply.
The tightening around Jonathan’s eyes brought Matt to wonder, not for the first time, if Jon still considered Las Vegas as home. While they’d been together the man had never claimed any sort of affection for the gambling town. In fact, he’d never really told Matt much of anything about where he’d lived prior to their meeting, mentioning only that he’d gone to high school in New Jersey, but had moved around a lot. Instead he’d described, in great detail and with relish, all the many places he’d been in his life. Milan, Paris, London... but never where he’d lived, never what he thought of longingly as home.
Maybe he didn't have one.
“You look good, Matty Lee,” Jonathan said, tone going a little quieter. “Really good.”
Matt nodded, accepting the compliment but feeling a little wrong-footed. “Thanks. You too.”
Laughing shortly, as if at his own private joke, Jonathan looked down at his hands, laid flat on the tabletop. As Matt watched, his brows drew together, and his mouth flattened out. At length he looked up to meet Matt’s eyes.
“Look, there’s no other way to say it, so I’m just going to say it, okay? I’m so, so sorry,” he said, voice low and personal.
It was, Matt thought, just what he’d thought he’d wanted to hear, but now it just seemed unnecessary. All he could focus on was Jody back at home, lounging on his couch and paging through the TV Guide. The realization felt good, better than good, actually.
“Thank you,” he said, focus swinging back around. After a beat with Jonathan looking on expectantly, almost pensively, he added, “It’s okay, Jon. I’m okay now.”
They shared a small silence, and through it there seemed to be an exchange of understanding. Jon had hurt him, but in his absence Matt had healed. Maybe Jonathan had healed too, Matt couldn’t begin to guess, but if his ex had come here wanting or needing to atone somehow for past sins, it was no longer required.
Matt didn’t need that from him anymore.
“So,” Jonathan said into the protracted moment, spreading his hands wide, the first to break the connection. “I guess you’re curious about a few things.”
“You always were perceptive,” Matt said, words rolling out a little more flippant than intended, but he felt antsy. Now that he was here, and had heard Jon’s apology, he just wanted the rest to be over so he could head home.
Jonathan’s brow ticked up. “Look, I’m just asking for a few minutes. Then I’ll get out of your hair.”
Matt exhaled. He hadn’t meant to seem dismissive. He sat up a little straighter. “Sorry, I just—this is weird.”
Jonathan snorted. “Still honest to a fault,” he remarked with some fondness, then his gaze dropped down to the base of Matt’s throat, and lingered.
Feeling his face warm, Matt fought the natural urge to lift a hand and run fingers over the mark that must be clearly visible.
“Have a rough night, last night?” Jonathan asked, and as he spoke his probing gaze wandered up to Matt’s face, lips twitching up into an almost smile.
Feeling a little stupid, Matt ignored the urge, again, to reach up and touch Jody’s mark. Meeting Jonathan’s gaze, he thought of the other marks, hidden beneath his clothes and a rush of warmth tumbled through him. His discomfort abated, washed away by the sureness that visited him whenever he thought of Jody.
“Nothing out of the ordinary,” he replied evenly.
Jonathan tilted his head back, a sharper smile playing about his lips. “You sure, Matty? I don’t remember you being that keen to show off when I put marks on you.”
Taking a breath, Matt smiled back. “People change, I guess. But I don’t think it’s any of your business now, either way.”
“Point taken,” Jonathan said smoothly, then added with a raised brow, “though I have to think, maybe, you’re enjoying having me see them. Be careful with that. You may have me thinking you’re offering something.”
Attempting to follow Jonathan’s logic, Matt took a breath, clenching his jaw, then just as quickly relaxed back into his seat as he realized it really didn’t matter. He wasn’t bound to figuring out Jon’s puzzles. That wasn’t his place, not anymore.
Meeting Jonathan’s placid gaze, he returned it in kind. “You know what? You’re right.”
Jonathan’s eyes widened ever so slightly, a sliver of surprise escaping his composure. Matt pressed his advantage.
“But this isn’t for you,” Matt said quietly, and reaching up he fingered the open seam of his shirt.
“So who are they for, then?” Jonathan asked lowly, expression pinched, eyes focusing once more on the base of Matt’s throat.
Matt replied evenly, “They’re for me.”
Dropping his hand, Matt regarded Jonathan, whose face had gone carefully blank.
“Jody gives me what I need, and I give him what he needs. That’s how it works. I’m sorry, though, it was a dick move showing them off. I’m being an ass.”
Tapping his fingertips on the tabletop, Jonathan smiled thinly. “Jody?”
Recognizing that Jon’s deliberate obtuseness was just for show, Matt smiled back. “I think we both know you’re well aware of who Jody is.”
Holding his smile a beat longer, Jonathan was the first to break. Leaning back from the table, he spread his hands wide. “Look, no harm, no foul, Matt. I think we can both agree I deserve anything you want to dish out, and more, even.”
“Jonathan,” Matt began, and then didn’t know what else to say.
“Hey,” Jonathan said, and reaching out he laid a hand over Matt’s on the table, the earlier sharpness fled from his expression and his tone. “I’m glad for you, I really am. But believe me when I say, it’s fucking hard, okay? Hard to sit here and see you and hear you say those things and not feel some kinda way about it.”
Falling still, Matt still didn’t know what to say. Jonathan gave him a gentle squeeze and didn’t remove his touch, but curled his fingers around Matt’s, his thumb beginning a slow stroke over the fine bones of the back of his hand. Frowning, Matt looked down and remembered suddenly, how tactile Jonathan had always been. How he’d always loved to touch Matt, everywhere, anywhere. How he’d spend hours just kissing him, his body, his skin.
There had been beautiful things between them, once.
“I miss you, Matty Lee.”
Matt looked up. The warmth of Jonathan’s touch was in his eyes. Matt blinked, and tried to reconcile that sweetness with the man that had just walked out on him one day, for no particular reason that Matt yet knew of.
“I miss the way we were. How fucking good we were,” Jonathan said, and his fingers squeezed tighter, holding on now, where before he’d simply been touching.
“I wanted to kill myself for leaving you,” he said, words a bare breath on the sunlit air between them.
Matt watched him, and the timbre of his voice, the steely grey of his eyes were all so very familiar… they’d sat in this very booth before, touched one another there in much the same way as they were now, but in the end the man before him was, for all intents and purposes, a stranger.
“I believe you,” Matt said, and gently pulled away. “But I’m with Jody now.”
Jonathan’s hand lay empty on the table top for a moment, before he pulled it back to his side. He seemed to need a moment, his eyes dropping away as his lips pressed together on whatever it was he was thinking. Del saved them, appearing at the end of the table with two steaming mugs of coffee, and a small carton of creamer.
“Food will be right out, gentlemen,” she promised before gliding away.
Giving Jonathan a few more moments to collect himself, Matt busied himself with pulling his mug and the carton of cream over and grabbing a handful of sugar packets from the basket under the window.
“How could I have forgotten? You like to have a little coffee with your sugar and cream.”
Matt shrugged at the amused tone. “I like what I like.”
“I thought I was doing the right thing.”
Pausing in the act of tearing open a third sugar packet, Matt looked up.
Jonathan sat back from the table, shoulders pressed against the booth’s cushion. Leaning his head back, he looked at Matt across the steaming mug of his coffee that sat untouched and he seemed older, suddenly. It seemed that the small talk was over.
“I’d fucked up, royally. Made some, shall we say, questionable business deals with a number of, shall we say, questionable individuals.”
Leaning elbows on the table, sugar forgotten, Matt’s gaze narrowed. “Shall we say, criminals?”
Jonathan smiled, a closed mouthed, tired sort of expression. “We shall.”
Matt frowned. “So, what level are we talking? Local sharks? Something worse?”
“Worse.”
Matt sat back. “Christ, Jon.”
Reanimating, Jonathan sat up straighter, leaning forward on his seat. “I had it covered. But then, that deal up here didn’t go through. You remember, the resort that my company wanted to build.”
Matt nodded. “I remember you making an ass out of yourself when Running Fox threw you off the protected land.”
Jonathan smiled. “Best day of my life. That’s the day we meet.”
Matt rolled his eyes and replied dryly, “Right.”
Jonathan chuckled. “Well, at least you haven’t lost your romantic side.” He smiled, head tilted to one side, fondness back in his eyes.
Matt couldn’t help but smile back. “Well, you get what you see with me.”
Jonathan’s gaze grew distant, “Oh, yes. I remember,” and it was said softly, nearly a whisper.
Matt ignored the soft expression and the tone. “So, you ready to let me in on what happened back then?”
Gaze sharpening, Jonathan pulled his own coffee to sit in front of him. He curled his fingers around the mug, but didn’t lift it to his lips. Everything about him seemed to tighten, the look in his eyes, the fingers around his mug.
“Sure, Matty. I’m ready to spill all the beans, if you think you’re ready to hear it.”
**********Additional Notes/etc***************
I tried at least ten times to post this update for the last week or so, but something always got in the way, so it's nice to finally get it up! I fiddled with it for a bit, mostly the Matt/Jody parts. And I swear, I am NOT drawing this out on purpose! But I knew that once Matt and Johnathan got going this chapter was going to end up being 10,000 words long, so I felt I really needed to break it up. I've been dying for Jonathan to show up and get his say, so we will see how it goes! At this point I'm still trailing along the outline for this fic I have in mind, though all things are subject to change to please the muses!
I hope at least here there is the sense that for Matt, things with Jonathan weren't all bad, though with how things ended up he's come to naturally associate their relationship with pain and bad memories. I also hope it shows some growth on his part in his realization that he has healed, and really doesn't need what he thought he needed from Jon. Going forward I hope the dynamic between these two continues to be interesting and nuanced.
And maybe it's just me, but the idea of Matt in his button down, sleeves rolled up, jeans and Reebox high-tops was just the cutest.
So, what do you guys think of the first real glimpse of the "Ex"? I'm interested to hear what you think! Hope all are doing well. If life will stop interfering I'm hoping to get back to a more regular update schedule. And as always, thanks for reading! ;D
Author: Archet
Pairing: OMC Jody McKinnon/Matt Hawkes
Fandom: High Mountain Rangers
Summary: a story of falling in love, figuring things out and just holding on.
Disclaimer: I did not create the High Mountain Ranger character/s, only this fic and the Original Male Character, Jody McKinnon, and any other original characters in supporting roles. No copyright infringement is intended.
Notes: this fic is set in 1989, approximately a year and a half after the events of the final episode of High Mountain Rangers. There will be no acknowledgment of the events of the spin-off show Jesse Hawkes.
Warnings: none this chapter
Note: this fic takes place a little over four months after Bad Luck, Bad Guys and High Mountain Rangers and is a sequel to that fic, so reading that first is recommended.
Additional: this fic will depict same sex relationships, and dominate/submissive themes. If this ain’t your thing, venture no further.
Summary this chapter: Matt has a date, only it's not with Jody, and Jonathan finally shows up.
***Additional Notes/ramblings at end of chapter***
~*~
Chapter 19: Déjà vu Ain’t a Love Song
Grabbing his wallet from the kitchen table, Matt stuffed it into his back pocket as he hurriedly tucked the tail of his oxford button down shirt in under the waistband of his jeans. He’d haphazardly rolled the sleeves up his forearms and one kept slipping back down. Annoyed, he pushed it back up and glanced at the clock hanging on the wall in the kitchen. He was already ten minutes late, and was going to be even later, it seemed, as he had no memory of where he’d left his car keys. Cursing, he rooted around in the wicker fruit bowl on the kitchen table on a hunch, crowing with success at discovering the set of keys on their metal ring sandwiched between an apple and a pair of his old climbing gloves.
Stepping into the living room, he paused before the couch, gesturing to himself with a lopsided grin. “How’s this?”
Sprawled out barefoot on the couch in a pair of well-worn grey sweat pants, and a black and yellow Gold’s Gym t-shirt that clung to his chest like it was spray painted on, Jody looked up from the TV Guide he was pursuing. Matt watched as his lover’s gaze traveled up and down his form, pausing briefly at the shirt lying unbuttoned at this throat. He’d left the top three buttons undone. The TV Guide was put aside.
“Very nice,” Jody replied evenly, and with a beckoning wave of his hand said, “Come here.”
Curious, pocketing his keys Matt walked over and knelt by the couch. Jody’s dark eyes held his for a moment before he reached out and grasped the open edges of his shirt. Heart rate kicking up a notch, as it seemed to do anytime Jody touched him, Matt thought for a moment that he wouldn’t be meeting Jonathan after all. He was a little surprised, then, when Jody worked the pearly buttons of his shirt, closing the garment up until only the topmost button was left unfastened. Once done, he tilted his head, regarding Matt steadily.
“So, before you ask, I haven’t forgotten what I said, but you have standing in this community, and I won’t have you running around showing off my marks on you for half the town to start gossiping about.”
Squaring his shoulders, Matt suppressed a smile as rich, quick warmth spread throughout his chest, squeezing strangely around his heart.
“Thanks, babe,” he said simply. He left unspoken that half the town was probably already gossiping about them. Jody was a hard man to miss, and while they were not overly demonstrative in public, neither did they hide their relationship.
Brows lowering, Jody studied him, then with a rather resigned expression said, “You were going to button it up when you left the house, weren’t you?”
Chuckling, Matt leaned his forearms against the couch, bringing their faces close together.
“Well, you told me to wear an open collared shirt, you didn’t say anything about me not being able to button it up.”
Jody scowled, though the amused light in his eyes softened his expression. “Nice distinction. I’ll have to remember to be more specific, next time.”
The tantalizing next time returned the grin to Matt’s face. “Looking forward to it.”
Jody shook his head, smile bowing up his lips as the playfulness danced between them, and then Matt grinned again as a big hand wrapped around the nape of his neck, pulling him down. Warmth and pleasure curling through him, he hummed contentedly, leaning into the kiss, into the power that seemed to flow into him from the joining of their mouths. It was a feeling Matt didn’t quite have the vocabulary to explain; the way Jody so effortlessly made him feel exhilarated and powerful, safe and small all in the same moment. Jody held him tight, deepening the kiss with lush, forceful strokes of his tongue until he, at last, had to pull back to let them both take a breath.
Matt shivered, smiling a little helplessly as the heat of desire filled him, as even now he found himself dazed at how easy it was to lose himself in Jody, in the man’s allure and affection. With a dip of his head Jody nuzzled against him, kissing his neck, small, sweet brushes of his lips and lazy laps of his tongue that only strengthened the pleasure flooding Matt. He let his eyes fall closed, twining fingers into Jody’s wavy, dark hair and tilted his head aside, revealing more of his throat. He shivered again as a warm breath fanned over his sensitized skin. Jody growled, laying down a new row of biting kisses that had Matt’s hips bucking a little against the edge of the couch. The scrape of teeth against him pulled forth a moan.
“Ah, Jo, fuck,” Matt rasped, and the sensation of Jody gently rubbing his coarse beard against the tender, bitten side of his throat was starting a fire inside him. That’s how he felt, on fire, hot, held in his lion’s hands.
“Fuck, babe,” he breathed again, willing to let himself be engulfed fully, and happy to forget his scheduled meeting with Jonathan.
A second later Matt’s eyes snapped open as Jody abruptly pulled away.
“Hey,” he complained, wanting a return to the heat of Jody’s mouth upon him, and was treated instead to the sight of mirth warming rich brown eyes as Jody lay back against the couch cushions, nonchalantly reaching for the forgotten TV Guide.
“What? We can’t get into anything now,” Jody said, lips twitching. “You’ve got a date to get to. And you’re late, at that.”
Frowning, his mounting, smoldering mood diffusing, Matt huffed. “Right. Thanks ever so much for reminding me.”
Taking a moment to smooth out his shirt, he licked his lips, savoring the echo of heat there, and pushed up to stand. He glowered down at Jody as he reached down and adjusted his hardening cock inside his jeans. Jody watched him, plainly amused, and made no effort to address his own burgeoning erection poorly concealed by the thin fabric of his sweat pants.
“And it is not a date for Christ’s sakes,” Matt reminded him, wincing only a little at how petulant he sounded.
Shrugging, Jody looked up at him. “Wasn’t my idea, baby.”
Good mood cooling further, Matt sighed. “I know, I know.” Fishing his keys out of his pocket, he took another breath as the pleasurable heat Jody had started in him calmed.
“Find us a good movie for later, all right?”
Jody gave him a short nod, and seeing that there’d be no more offer of kisses, Matt shook his head and turned for the door.
“Angel?”
Pivoting, one hand on the front door’s handle, Matt looked over his shoulder. Jody had pushed up from his sprawl to balance on one elbow. The TV Guide lay open on the couch at his side, and his eyes were serious.
“I meant what I said. I know Bear Valley is pretty laid back, and I know we haven’t really talked about it, and I guess we should, but I do want you to know that I understand your place here. That I’m aware, and if you ever feel like I’m putting you in an unfair position I want you to talk to me, because I don’t want that for you.”
Again, that curious squeezing activated around his heart, and Matt nodded. “Thanks, babe. You’re right, things are pretty good here. I mean, we have our share of assholes, but I suppose like you said, we should talk about it since we’re together now.”
The way Jody’s eyes seemed to darken, just then, nearly had Matt striding back across the room and sliding back into his lover’s arms.
“You have a good visit, then come on back home,” Jody said into the space between them, and though on the surface he seemed relaxed and unconcerned, Matt could read the tension in the lines of his long body laid out on the couch, in the little crease between his brows.
“I will,” he promised, then tossed back a grin before turning and pulling open the door.
Matt was halfway out when Jody called after him. “Be careful.”
Sticking his head back in the doorway, Matt pulled a face. “I’m always careful, babe.” Then before Jody could roll his eyes at him, he slipped out.
Pulling the door shut behind him, he hopped down the couple steps from the porch and loped around the corner of the house to the shed where his Jeep was parked. Pulling open the door and sliding inside, he snapped his seatbelt in place and checked his watch. He was already fifteen minutes late.
“Shit.”
It’d always annoyed Jonathan when he’d ran late, which due to the demands of his job, he often had. How many times had he done this, been running late and rushing to go meet up with Jonathan when they were together? Hit with a weird sense of déjà vu, Matt shook his head at himself and slotted the key into the Jeep’s ignition.
Firing up the engine, he backed out of the shed, turned onto the graveled drive and traveled the short distance to the highway. From there he pointed the Jeep in the direction of Bear Valley. Cruising along for couple minutes he turned onto the wider, more substantial road that would lead him directly to the picturesque mountain town, and pressed down on the gas. Morning sunshine glinted off the windshield and he drummed his fingers on the wheel. He rolled his window halfway down and enjoyed the smell of pine and sweet, fresh air. There were puddles of water on the road, silvery, flat pools mirroring the bright blue sky, and as he splashed through them he found himself grinning at the realization it’d rained during the night and he hadn’t noticed.
Of course he hadn’t, his man had kept him thoroughly, wonderfully occupied all night long.
My lion, he thought, and the memory of Jody using his powerful body to curl around him, to push inside him, loving him, warmed his face and sent heat tingling along his skin. He eased off the gas, relaxing back into his seat. Why was he in such a hurry? If he was late, then he was late. Jonathan would just have to cope.
By the time he wheeled into Cherry’s parking lot, he was close to twenty-five minutes late. Sliding out of the Jeep he pocketed his keys and scanned the lot, wondering what Jonathan was driving these days. Striding across the half filled lot, he mounted the steps to the diner’s entrance and pulled open the door. A bell tied to the metal door handle jingled merrily.
“Well, it’s nice to see that some things never change.”
Stopping short, Matt took a moment before turning toward the voice. With an easy move, he reached up and popped open the second button of his shirt and immediately felt somewhat juvenile, but he left the button open all the same. Swinging around, he found Jonathan waiting for him, planted casually on one of the red cushioned stools at the counter. One elbow resting on the countertop, head tilted as he studied Matt, his peculiar grey eyes seemed amused, and unsurprised.
“No one is holding you here,” Matt found himself saying evenly, an edge built into his words if not his tone.
It was strictly the truth, applying both to their past and their present, though now it seemed, Jonathan was the one left hanging, and not the other way around.
Never one to begrudge a good opening line, Jonathan smiled back, inclining his head slightly.
“Touché,” he said lightly, slipping off his stool.
Wearing a pair of dark wash jeans, toffee colored Ralph Lauren Polo knit sweater, and a pair of tasseled, brown leather Dockers, Jonathan offered a rather low key presentation if you over looked that the sweater was cashmere and that the watch he wore, peeking out from the hem of his sleeve, had Gucci stamped in gold lettering over its onyx face. Arriving in his hurriedly donned and most likely wrinkled-being distracted he hadn’t really noticed-oxford, old jeans and worn Reebok high-tops Matt felt weirdly under dressed.
Taking a step closer, Jonathan regarded him openly. “It’s good to see you again, Matthew.”
Not altogether sure he felt the same, Matt nodded anyway and said, “You too, Jon.”
A beat of silence passed between them, heavy with all the baggage waiting to be unpacked.
“Good morning, Ranger Hawkes,” Del said, a sudden presence at Matt’s elbow. With her dark pulled back into a bun and sparkling blue eyes, she favored Matt with her trademark smile.
Matt smiled back. “Morning, Del. My usual table available?”
She gave him an exaggeratedly affronted look. “You know it is, honey. Now, if you… and your guest, will just follow me.”
Jonathan’s brow rose at the rather icy look Del bestowed upon him before turning and leading them to the table tucked under the window at the end of the diner, near the jukebox. Matt just waved him forward, resolving that there was no fucking way he was going to divulge that, for some weeks after Jonathan had run out on him, he’d essentially lived off Tim’s soup and the food at Cherry’s, unwilling to expend the energy to shop for groceries and cook for himself at home. Tim hadn’t been the only one to see Matt at his worst, and though by that time he’d become a functional human, he’d hated the idea of cooking meals in his own home for no one but himself.
A menu was tossed down in front of Jonathan as he slid into one side of the booth. He pressed his lips together and carefully took the laminated menu, and began to study it. Del favored Matt with another sunny smile.
“The usual, hun?”
Matt nodded, warming up to the idea of a plate full of Cherry’s breakfast special. He hadn’t realized how hungry he was. It’d been some time since he’d taken breakfast at the diner, Jody liking to cook for them at home more times than not with Matt taking a turn here and there.
“I’ll be right around with your coffee,” Del said. With a slight pause, she turned to Jonathan. “And you?”
Brows going up at the rather flat, uninterested address, Jonathan gently laid the menu aside and folded his hands on the table. “Yes, ma’am. I’d like the same. Please, if I may.”
Del offered him an abbreviated nod. Reaching out she hooked the ends of her long, red lacquered nails along the raised edge of Jonathan’s menu and pulled it across the table to her. Matt hid a smile and studied the little crease between her eyes that told him she was displeased.
“Thank you, Del. You’re the best,” he said, looking up into her face.
Countenance softening, Del tilted her head at him and took his menu. With another wink, she turned and walked away, calling out to the cook working at the grill in the open kitchen behind the counter.
“Two sunny days, Chaz. On the double!”
Matt chuckled in her wake, and turning back to the table found Jonathan watching him, not smiling, but with an expression on his face that seemed somehow naked, as if Jonathan had forgot to uphold his typical charming screen that he often used, inserting it between himself and the world at large.
“It really is good to see you again, Matty,” Jonathan offered quietly.
Not sure what it was that he was seeing on Jon’s face, sadness, regret, or something else altogether, Matt shrugged. In his spot by the window, with his neatly combed black hair coming to just past his ears and pale eyes, he looked remarkably handsome and mysterious against the homey backdrop of the sunny diner. Matt shook off the sense of familiarity that invaded him.
Jonathan had been a mystery in many ways, and early on in their dating Matt had found that intriguing, exciting even.
Later, he’d found it simply exasperating.
Shaking off his wandering thoughts, Matt replied, “Well, I’m not hard to find.”
Jonathan huffed a laugh. “That is the truth. Still perched up here on your mountain, I see.”
Matt sat back in his seat. “It’s home,” he said simply.
The tightening around Jonathan’s eyes brought Matt to wonder, not for the first time, if Jon still considered Las Vegas as home. While they’d been together the man had never claimed any sort of affection for the gambling town. In fact, he’d never really told Matt much of anything about where he’d lived prior to their meeting, mentioning only that he’d gone to high school in New Jersey, but had moved around a lot. Instead he’d described, in great detail and with relish, all the many places he’d been in his life. Milan, Paris, London... but never where he’d lived, never what he thought of longingly as home.
Maybe he didn't have one.
“You look good, Matty Lee,” Jonathan said, tone going a little quieter. “Really good.”
Matt nodded, accepting the compliment but feeling a little wrong-footed. “Thanks. You too.”
Laughing shortly, as if at his own private joke, Jonathan looked down at his hands, laid flat on the tabletop. As Matt watched, his brows drew together, and his mouth flattened out. At length he looked up to meet Matt’s eyes.
“Look, there’s no other way to say it, so I’m just going to say it, okay? I’m so, so sorry,” he said, voice low and personal.
It was, Matt thought, just what he’d thought he’d wanted to hear, but now it just seemed unnecessary. All he could focus on was Jody back at home, lounging on his couch and paging through the TV Guide. The realization felt good, better than good, actually.
“Thank you,” he said, focus swinging back around. After a beat with Jonathan looking on expectantly, almost pensively, he added, “It’s okay, Jon. I’m okay now.”
They shared a small silence, and through it there seemed to be an exchange of understanding. Jon had hurt him, but in his absence Matt had healed. Maybe Jonathan had healed too, Matt couldn’t begin to guess, but if his ex had come here wanting or needing to atone somehow for past sins, it was no longer required.
Matt didn’t need that from him anymore.
“So,” Jonathan said into the protracted moment, spreading his hands wide, the first to break the connection. “I guess you’re curious about a few things.”
“You always were perceptive,” Matt said, words rolling out a little more flippant than intended, but he felt antsy. Now that he was here, and had heard Jon’s apology, he just wanted the rest to be over so he could head home.
Jonathan’s brow ticked up. “Look, I’m just asking for a few minutes. Then I’ll get out of your hair.”
Matt exhaled. He hadn’t meant to seem dismissive. He sat up a little straighter. “Sorry, I just—this is weird.”
Jonathan snorted. “Still honest to a fault,” he remarked with some fondness, then his gaze dropped down to the base of Matt’s throat, and lingered.
Feeling his face warm, Matt fought the natural urge to lift a hand and run fingers over the mark that must be clearly visible.
“Have a rough night, last night?” Jonathan asked, and as he spoke his probing gaze wandered up to Matt’s face, lips twitching up into an almost smile.
Feeling a little stupid, Matt ignored the urge, again, to reach up and touch Jody’s mark. Meeting Jonathan’s gaze, he thought of the other marks, hidden beneath his clothes and a rush of warmth tumbled through him. His discomfort abated, washed away by the sureness that visited him whenever he thought of Jody.
“Nothing out of the ordinary,” he replied evenly.
Jonathan tilted his head back, a sharper smile playing about his lips. “You sure, Matty? I don’t remember you being that keen to show off when I put marks on you.”
Taking a breath, Matt smiled back. “People change, I guess. But I don’t think it’s any of your business now, either way.”
“Point taken,” Jonathan said smoothly, then added with a raised brow, “though I have to think, maybe, you’re enjoying having me see them. Be careful with that. You may have me thinking you’re offering something.”
Attempting to follow Jonathan’s logic, Matt took a breath, clenching his jaw, then just as quickly relaxed back into his seat as he realized it really didn’t matter. He wasn’t bound to figuring out Jon’s puzzles. That wasn’t his place, not anymore.
Meeting Jonathan’s placid gaze, he returned it in kind. “You know what? You’re right.”
Jonathan’s eyes widened ever so slightly, a sliver of surprise escaping his composure. Matt pressed his advantage.
“But this isn’t for you,” Matt said quietly, and reaching up he fingered the open seam of his shirt.
“So who are they for, then?” Jonathan asked lowly, expression pinched, eyes focusing once more on the base of Matt’s throat.
Matt replied evenly, “They’re for me.”
Dropping his hand, Matt regarded Jonathan, whose face had gone carefully blank.
“Jody gives me what I need, and I give him what he needs. That’s how it works. I’m sorry, though, it was a dick move showing them off. I’m being an ass.”
Tapping his fingertips on the tabletop, Jonathan smiled thinly. “Jody?”
Recognizing that Jon’s deliberate obtuseness was just for show, Matt smiled back. “I think we both know you’re well aware of who Jody is.”
Holding his smile a beat longer, Jonathan was the first to break. Leaning back from the table, he spread his hands wide. “Look, no harm, no foul, Matt. I think we can both agree I deserve anything you want to dish out, and more, even.”
“Jonathan,” Matt began, and then didn’t know what else to say.
“Hey,” Jonathan said, and reaching out he laid a hand over Matt’s on the table, the earlier sharpness fled from his expression and his tone. “I’m glad for you, I really am. But believe me when I say, it’s fucking hard, okay? Hard to sit here and see you and hear you say those things and not feel some kinda way about it.”
Falling still, Matt still didn’t know what to say. Jonathan gave him a gentle squeeze and didn’t remove his touch, but curled his fingers around Matt’s, his thumb beginning a slow stroke over the fine bones of the back of his hand. Frowning, Matt looked down and remembered suddenly, how tactile Jonathan had always been. How he’d always loved to touch Matt, everywhere, anywhere. How he’d spend hours just kissing him, his body, his skin.
There had been beautiful things between them, once.
“I miss you, Matty Lee.”
Matt looked up. The warmth of Jonathan’s touch was in his eyes. Matt blinked, and tried to reconcile that sweetness with the man that had just walked out on him one day, for no particular reason that Matt yet knew of.
“I miss the way we were. How fucking good we were,” Jonathan said, and his fingers squeezed tighter, holding on now, where before he’d simply been touching.
“I wanted to kill myself for leaving you,” he said, words a bare breath on the sunlit air between them.
Matt watched him, and the timbre of his voice, the steely grey of his eyes were all so very familiar… they’d sat in this very booth before, touched one another there in much the same way as they were now, but in the end the man before him was, for all intents and purposes, a stranger.
“I believe you,” Matt said, and gently pulled away. “But I’m with Jody now.”
Jonathan’s hand lay empty on the table top for a moment, before he pulled it back to his side. He seemed to need a moment, his eyes dropping away as his lips pressed together on whatever it was he was thinking. Del saved them, appearing at the end of the table with two steaming mugs of coffee, and a small carton of creamer.
“Food will be right out, gentlemen,” she promised before gliding away.
Giving Jonathan a few more moments to collect himself, Matt busied himself with pulling his mug and the carton of cream over and grabbing a handful of sugar packets from the basket under the window.
“How could I have forgotten? You like to have a little coffee with your sugar and cream.”
Matt shrugged at the amused tone. “I like what I like.”
“I thought I was doing the right thing.”
Pausing in the act of tearing open a third sugar packet, Matt looked up.
Jonathan sat back from the table, shoulders pressed against the booth’s cushion. Leaning his head back, he looked at Matt across the steaming mug of his coffee that sat untouched and he seemed older, suddenly. It seemed that the small talk was over.
“I’d fucked up, royally. Made some, shall we say, questionable business deals with a number of, shall we say, questionable individuals.”
Leaning elbows on the table, sugar forgotten, Matt’s gaze narrowed. “Shall we say, criminals?”
Jonathan smiled, a closed mouthed, tired sort of expression. “We shall.”
Matt frowned. “So, what level are we talking? Local sharks? Something worse?”
“Worse.”
Matt sat back. “Christ, Jon.”
Reanimating, Jonathan sat up straighter, leaning forward on his seat. “I had it covered. But then, that deal up here didn’t go through. You remember, the resort that my company wanted to build.”
Matt nodded. “I remember you making an ass out of yourself when Running Fox threw you off the protected land.”
Jonathan smiled. “Best day of my life. That’s the day we meet.”
Matt rolled his eyes and replied dryly, “Right.”
Jonathan chuckled. “Well, at least you haven’t lost your romantic side.” He smiled, head tilted to one side, fondness back in his eyes.
Matt couldn’t help but smile back. “Well, you get what you see with me.”
Jonathan’s gaze grew distant, “Oh, yes. I remember,” and it was said softly, nearly a whisper.
Matt ignored the soft expression and the tone. “So, you ready to let me in on what happened back then?”
Gaze sharpening, Jonathan pulled his own coffee to sit in front of him. He curled his fingers around the mug, but didn’t lift it to his lips. Everything about him seemed to tighten, the look in his eyes, the fingers around his mug.
“Sure, Matty. I’m ready to spill all the beans, if you think you’re ready to hear it.”
**********Additional Notes/etc***************
I tried at least ten times to post this update for the last week or so, but something always got in the way, so it's nice to finally get it up! I fiddled with it for a bit, mostly the Matt/Jody parts. And I swear, I am NOT drawing this out on purpose! But I knew that once Matt and Johnathan got going this chapter was going to end up being 10,000 words long, so I felt I really needed to break it up. I've been dying for Jonathan to show up and get his say, so we will see how it goes! At this point I'm still trailing along the outline for this fic I have in mind, though all things are subject to change to please the muses!
I hope at least here there is the sense that for Matt, things with Jonathan weren't all bad, though with how things ended up he's come to naturally associate their relationship with pain and bad memories. I also hope it shows some growth on his part in his realization that he has healed, and really doesn't need what he thought he needed from Jon. Going forward I hope the dynamic between these two continues to be interesting and nuanced.
And maybe it's just me, but the idea of Matt in his button down, sleeves rolled up, jeans and Reebox high-tops was just the cutest.
So, what do you guys think of the first real glimpse of the "Ex"? I'm interested to hear what you think! Hope all are doing well. If life will stop interfering I'm hoping to get back to a more regular update schedule. And as always, thanks for reading! ;D